7 Ways to Cope with Grief During the Holidays

The holidays are a time to spend time with family and loved ones. A time for happiness and joy. Yet for someone who has experienced a loss, holiday rituals and traditions can be a stressor and magnify the loss. Holidays mark the passage of time and can leave you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, or angry.

For me, the holidays is a 3 month season. One fourth of the year. The holiday season kicks off with Craig's birthday on November 16, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, our wedding anniversary on January 3, Valentine's Day, and then my birthday on February 17. As I am writing this I am laughing about my decision to include Valentine's Day as we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day when Craig was alive.. and we always forgot our wedding anniversary.

Is there a story you are telling yourself about how the holidays will be? What is going to happen at dinner or the party? How hard something is going to be? Are you thinking that life is unfair?

Don't let your mind set a trap. The story we tell ourselves, that is on repeat in our minds, about what is going to happen, can be unhealthy and unproductive and lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. By managing your thoughts and actions, having hope that life will get better even if you don't know how, and practicing gratitude and self-care, you can help build yourself up. You can train your brain to think differently and productively and enable you to grieve while celebrating holidays.

7 ways to help you cope with grief during the holidays

1. self care

Be kind to yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Give yourself space and time to feel the pain of grief. It is ok to be sad, but work to squash the self pity. Unhelpful thoughts repeated in your mind detract from your ability to positively control your environment. Try to quiet any negative thoughts by repeating a positive mantra.

2. create an environment of belonging

Grief can leave you feeling isolated, anxious, and alone. Be your own advocate and help create opportunities for others to connect with you, so that you can feel loved and a part of a community.

3. help others

Find ways to help and include others. Perform an act of kindness or mentor those in similar situations. Share a smile. By helping others you will feel better and help yourself.

4. externalize

While your loved one is gone, their love lives on in you. To keep your memories alive and honor their memory, you can do something you used to do together, make a favorite meal, share stories, give a toast, or light a candle. Be open to creating new traditions.

5. have a plan B

Plan ahead for the holidays and have a back up plan. Just knowing that you have a plan B may be enough to help you get through plan A. Having a plan B means that you know you are not stuck and have an alternate.

6. be able to say no

If you are not up to it, say no to plans. It's ok to take a year off. Don't try to please everyone else, as you need to protect yourself. Take a break when you need it and don't do more than you want. Focus on doing what serves you and your loss.

7. be in the moment

Your anticipation of the holidays is likely worse than the reality. Bring yourself back to the now and remember it's ok to celebrate and be happy. Be present and take it one day at a time.

There is no right or wrong way to get through the holidays after a loss. It is not easy. It is rough and unsettling. But know that you do have the mental strength to survive the holidays!

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