Nov 27, 2019

Thanksgiving While Grieving

Thanksgiving brings families and friends together, round a table to share a feast. It's a time to spend with loved ones. When you are grieving, when someone will not be with you, how do you celebrate Thanksgiving? What do you do when the thought of Thanksgiving leaves you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, or angry?

This past weekend, I started the physical preparation for Thanksgiving this year, the meal planning and shopping. But I also started the mental preparation for Thanksgiving. While thinking about how am I going to get through Thanksgiving, I recalled a workshop about embracing and loving who you are today. It was a session on changing your perspective.

We each individually, have the power to change our perspective. When we change or shift your perspective, you physically rewire your brain, reducing stress. By thinking positively, you can be happier, healthier, more creative, see opportunities, and more resilient. Seems great, right?

This speaker used her physical figure as an example. She told us that she loves and embraces her curves and size, today, as she ran her hands over her curves. She pointed out, after all, if her curves got any bigger, she would look fondly upon her size now. So while she knew she had the potential to be more of something and less of something else, she also knew that in the future, she would look lovingly and longingly at the snapshot of herself today. And knowing that if in the future, she will look back and think differently about today, she consciously decided to make the leap and save herself from the self-loathing stage. Why spend time and resources being upset about today when your feelings about today will change over time to be different? She made the conscious decision to treat herself today with love and compassion, to see herself today as her future self sees her today. She challenged us to look for areas where we could apply this self compassion and benefit from a change in perspective. For me, it's Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is a stressor. Thanksgiving is full of rituals and traditions that when someone is missing makes their loss particularly poignant. But I know I have the ability to change the way I perceive Thanksgiving. Rather than longing for things to be different, longing for one more Thanksgiving with my husband, for things to be the way they were, replaying how my husband is gone, or being unhappy or upset that my life is not how I planned, I choose to change my mindset, to see the positive in today and Thanksgiving.

While I have lost, I realize that there is so much more that I could lose. Everyone has a story of loss. My story is not unique. But for those of us that remain, those that we are fortunate enough to call family and friends, we need to be thankful that we have each other.

You get what you expect. And what you expect is based on your mindset. If you have negative thoughts about Thanksgiving, the first step is recognizing the negative thought. Then question that negative thought and its validity and come up with a response. Through practice, this will allow you to create an alternate, more positive thought. Instead of learning to be stronger swimmer in a sea of negative thoughts, question and replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts. If you have a positive expectation for Thanksgiving, focusing on appreciation, and look for things to be grateful for, you will find things to be grateful for on Thanksgiving.

So for Thanksgiving this year, I choose to bring light to the darkness. To use Thanksgiving as an experience to help me learn to embrace change. Rather than focus on what I am missing, to focus on what I have. While I cherish my past, I commit to being present, to appreciate the presence of my loved ones, and to be open to new traditions and experiences. I welcome Thanksgiving with an open heart and an open mind.

Here's to being flexible and new traditions. Have a happy Thanksgiving.